I am Failing in my Anatomy Class


Medicine is a one big process. The concepts to know, terms to memorize and pages to read are truly overwhelming. It took me 5 years from graduating in College (2013) to pursue my dream. At 27, here I am wondering whether or not I made the right decision and whether or not I can survive the rigor of the training.

My first year is filled with the greatest hurdle. I have not yet fully adjusted to the demands of my course and the pathway to Medicine is not yet clear to me. I am just drawing support to a God I know.  In the literal sense, I was broken several times—most especially in my grades and performance. I have read my books, understood the principle, memorized facts and worked hard for my subjects. But nothing seems enough. I still failed in my Anatomy. This is the subject so unfamiliar, bizarre and complicated for me. I tried hard enough to know but my brain is slow to process the image, as if it is rejecting the idea of cadavers, anatomical positions, related injuries and landmarks. I can never be a surgeon and that fact I have to accept.

I don’t know why I can’t seem to cope with Anatomy. Is it the images and labels and atlas? But I am fine with Histology with all those tiny microscopic slides. Is it the overloaded texts in our books? But I am doing well in Physiology with all the functions and associated clinical correlations. My Biochemistry record also speaks well enough and passing with all the biochemical processes, cycles, pathways and images I have come to memorize.

I am memorizing a lot in Anatomy but I can’t retrieve the information during examinations. I have learned a lot from my professor’s lecture. I read hundreds of clinical conditions, integrated anatomy with Biochemistry and Physiology, always trying to retain anatomical principles as hard as I can. However, I still failed in my Midterm with a 64.64 grade. I cried thinking how much of a failure I am to even obtain this low. My lecture examinations even can’t pass at 48/100, my laboratory is even worse way below the 60% MPL. I looked back to myself and questioned whether or not I have done enough. I placed my palms on my face and sob silently in the corner of an empty classroom with no one looking.

I just stared there, reflected and prayed quietly. I thought of my DOH Scholarship, my hardworking, jobless mother; my Father in Heaven, who is now my angel. I thought of my sleepless nights, stressful days. The more tears and sobbing I made. But nothing can wipe the pain. The tissue paper cannot even lighten me up. I stood there in frustration, hoping for some miracle to occur. I cried again in tears and started accepting my fate—probably; it is God’s voice talking to me sending me mixed messages. Is it a message of Hope? That I can still rise amidst that downfall and work even harder to uplift my grade. Or is it a message of Reconsideration? That perhaps this is not for me and instead look for another profession that suits me better. I can’t think of a plan B or profession other than Medicine.

I find myself lost in my situation. I have nothing to blame but myself. There is no silver lining in this instance but the beauty of the World remains—as in the smile of the faces of children. I may be failing in this subject but I know I am capable of doing better if I give my very best. Those grades will never reflect how much of a person I am. It doesn’t speak of my skills and character. For as long as I know I learned and remembered, there is nothing to lose. I will redeem myself, just as Christ, did in those failures and downfalls.

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