A mix-up of Life and Forces
As a Catholic I find the Holy
rosary fascinating. It gives me a sense of confidence and strength whenever I need
to. It’s a bead symbolizing humanity, human nature, community, environment,
universe and everything else. I find joy carrying one in my bag. I wear it
sometimes but not so often. I keep it on my palms and hold into it whenever I
am weary and confused. It’s interesting to note how my faith is restored
whenever I do that. It may be a placebo effect, a psychological factor to that
kind; but for me the effect is surreal.
As a person who overanalyzes
events I find the World confusing and chaotic. I wonder how I was able to
survive the agony of living. But it would be unfair to only see the bad things.
I have also experienced happiness and inner peace at some point. For the most
part anxiousness, bitterness and weakness envelopes my soul. This might sound a
surprise to some people who sees me as strong person. But in fact I am very
unstable with a growing inner turmoil. A metaphor I want to use compare myself
is a rug, without worth. I wonder where these negative self-talk are coming
from: partly from unfulfilling familial love, partly from childhood traumatic experience,
partly from genetic make-up and partly from some idiopathic sources.
A lot of question I want to know
and ask. As a thinker rather than a doer, I loved to think of things instead of
acting on it. I am so afraid of risk-taking; wanting to be sure of my next
step. But that can never happen for life is unpredictable. The next day we are
alive, next morning who knows when we’re dead. We can only ask for life
extension from God, even the most advance technology cannot save us when are
times is up. I know there’s a fallacy here. Research demonstrates the “titanic
effect” with those belonging to the higher socio-economic status living longer
followed by the middle class and with the least expectancy in the least
affluent. There may be no justice here but that’s how we created our system and
we cannot blame God. As people with free will, we can only choose to do good or
bad based on conscience and rules. Morals, ethics and principles may rescue us
arbitrarily. Absolutism is not favored because subjective differences among and
within people exist.
For the most part I am a believer
of God. There was a point in my life though, that I questioned everything and
resist believing in His/Her presence (No one knows whether God is a man or
woman so it is safer to refer to him/her in this context). When I was in High
School I had a notion that God can save me from famine, poverty, sickness,
death, evil and just everything else. I went to mass every Sundays. Having a
rough and bitter childhood, I cling to God for refuge. But stepping into
College most especially at the 3rd to 5th year has turned
my faith 180 degrees. I no longer want to believe nor trust anybody especially
to God. This was my darkest moments. Times when the nights were long, how I wished
for the sun to rise up again. The days were slow, without colors and sound. I haven’t
heard of the whispers of the ocean, haven’t seen the glowing rays of the
rainbow, haven’t felt the humanity and belongingness. All I witnessed were
fires and rains and sharps and coldness.
Up to this point, life remains a
mystery. The Rosary represent different times and seasons and mysteries. We may
never able to comprehend what is in God’s mind for we are nothing compared to
Him/Her. In our attempt to explain everything from Medicine, Physiology,
Astronomy to complicated sciences of life, nature and all the more confused we
are from what we really are as humans. Maybe the rosary is here to remind us of
our vulnerability as peoples. That whatever we are, whoever we are, in what
ever place we are, in whatever times we are, all are going to be judged. For there
was a beginning and there will be an end to everything on the planet. It is
also perhaps surprising and also controversial to associate the rosary of our
weakness and vulnerability as peoples. That whether we are slaves, gay, poor,
king, straight, black, white, green-eyes or what, in the end we will all be the
same. We’re different on Earth now—based on human standards or standards set by
us as a race. But in the end during judgment days, we will be the same. It is
how we live our life and treat others that’s going to matter. We only have
around 7 decades to live (assuming the mean lifespan on Earth). How are you
going to spend it matters the most.
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