Unofficially Heartbroken, Confused and Waiting

I have suffered enough heart breaks despite not having any relationship with someone. I have been single all my life for around 26 years of existence. I do not have a good concept on what love really feels. I never had any experience of intimate contact and constant communication with someone. I am isolated, loss and barred.

When I was 8 I have had so many crushes; immature and unsolicited. It was a childhood memory that is treasured, nonetheless forgotten. It was in my college years when I started feeling a little uncomfortable. I was confused and loss again, trying to fit in with the mainstream. Society has its own way of punishing minority groups, even labeling absurd things that ought not to be. I felt alienated and depressed, unable to express how truly I feel. Imagine having none on your family to back you up, with close to none friends as source of encouragement. Crazy as it felt.

There was this special girl in my Pharmacy schooling. She was a shifter from another course, similar to me. We were classmates in so many professional subjects; from 1st year to fourth year I commonly see and associate with her. She was very kind, humble and intelligent. She is high-born, well, I wasn’t. I remember the times I got sick and she even carried a chair for me. She gave me a red-ribbon cake during one of her visits in her mother’s clinic. It was not the present that mattered, but the act of offering a cake made me happier. I couldn’t forget how kind she is and how humble and giving. I also remembered the time we were together in NSTP; her touch of kindness and deeds are truly touching. Any man could have fallen for that. Did I mention she is of paramount beauty as well?

I didn’t have the courage to court her. I just don’t know how. I have no confidence at all especially at that very young age. I was feeling very inferior, for she possesses a high-born status that barred me from even getting close to her. I was just poor—nothing to brag about. In addition, I was very focused in my studies for I have to maintain an average grade to retain that scholarship. Imagine the difficulties of having no one to send you to school in College and only having to rely on that scholarship which is not even sufficient to begin with. Nonetheless, I thanked God for allowing me to even graduate with honors in due time. Well, being the intelligent that she is, she also graduated with honors obtaining a higher-grade point average than mine.

She went straight to medical schooling after one year from graduating Pharmacy. She has the means and academic intellect to pursue such a great ambition. I went to work first at a University as a laboratory technician and then as pharmacist in drugstore chains such as Watson and South Star Drug. After being bored from community service, I decided to transfer in a University to work as an Instructor. I was hired and have been connected to USL now in my third year. I missed my friend and this special girl, but I am just as coward as the most cowardly of all. I am not a true man after all. Hiding under the protection of masks, confused and hazy.


I never felt in love, not as equal to this kind if you can ever call it love. I have crushes and emotional disarray to some men. Feeling of confusion that still bothers me at this point of my life. I don’t know if I’m gay or something like it. All I know is that I can feel attraction to person of my same sex, and it is rather difficult to live with that fact. I can’t express my feelings to these men much like I can’t express it to women as well. At this time and age of my life, I never had close contact and intimacy to anyone special like that thing called love. I want to but I’m so afraid. I want to but don’t know how to start. Perhaps, if it can wait a little longer…

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